I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
