i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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