Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
