probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
