i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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