you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
