I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize