Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
