i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
