i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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