Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
