well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
