Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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