so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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