When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
