She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
