there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize