1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
