I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
