I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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