so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
