I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
