stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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