I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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