At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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