Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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