I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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