do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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