Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
