If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
