whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
