I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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