I met the friendliest cop last night
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
