don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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