My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
