so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
