Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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