I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
