So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
