So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize