I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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