Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
