"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize