No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
