guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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