i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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