Your mouth is God's brothel.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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