I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
