come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
