So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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