I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
