you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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