I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
