I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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