dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
