my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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