We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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